I don’t sleep much anymore. Between the thoughts, stress, and bad dreams, I’ll find a few hours of snooze at a time, a few moments dozed off, but a good nights rest has escaped me lately.
But it isn’t all sleeps fault, in general I guess I just feel run down. It’s a feeling that’s plagued me for a couple months. A creeping slothness of depression like gloom that I’ve fought with focused effort at work, extra work on top of that, enhanced lifting at the gym, and probably 18 something bottles of Strawberry Lemonade Pedialyte.
The issue is actually fairly clear in my mind. Because even in the thick of things I have the strongest peace of direction. I am just prone to put too much on myself. While I am good at carrying a lot, I am better at overloading my shoulders. And feeling low, feeling empty, is a reality check. It’s a reminder to fully carry it all I have to surrender it first.
I can never carry it all myself, which is something I hate to admit. I would much rather quietly take it all on myself. I would much rather be a rock. This attitude is what’s always gotten me through or to wherever I was going. It’s how I worked multiple jobs in college while in school full time. It’s how I worked six to seven days a week as a manager in my last job while freelancing and finding my new career path. It’s how I’ve trudged on through dark spots & low points.
It’s what has gotten me this far in way, but it’s also not how I’ll get passed where I am. Because the only way I can truly get through the storms and be better on the other side is by letting Him take the burden. Because my shoulders aren’t strong enough without His help. My feet will falter without His path. And while I am geared to press on, I am built to be strong, I am truly nothing compared to His strength, and I believe being a true man is being able to admit that.
What I love about life is how we’re always able to get better. The process never ends, and honestly I love it, because it’s the journey that makes it so rewarding. So in this season I have to surrender more, surrender all, because I am not enough on my own. While I’ve had more faith & trust lately than ever before, it’s going to take more. And that’s okay. It’s what I need & He’s teaching me through it.
God’s going to take me further but I have to let Him. No matter the struggle, He will provide. No matter my failure, He’ll lift me up. It’s a weird combination where I know where He’s leading, but I have to both do my part to get there and also give it all to Him in the process. It’s through this that I know He’ll build me into what I truly need to be. He’s given me the destination, I still have to walk there, and I have to surrender my trust to Him the whole way. It’s only with all of these that you reach where you’re truly supposed to be.
I heard once that “no man is an island.” That’s okay because I don’t want to be an island, I want to be a Christ-like man, and even Christ asked for God to help Him with His burden. Everyday He gives me a chance to be better today than I was before, He gives me another opportunity to take steps further on the journey. A chance to give it all to Him and just follow where He guides my feet. It’s more than I deserve, but aren’t all our blessings?
As much as I would love to, I can’t do it all myself. I’ll never be able to and even years from now He’ll still be working daily on me and that’s okay. I will do my best day in and day out. He will take me out of valleys and over mountains. I can’t do it all myself, and thankfully I don’t have to.