J Thoughts: Worst Christmas Songs

[Readers Note: This is a repost from 2015 J. However, 2018 J still stands by these choices and thought new readers of this blog might enjoy said Christmas sassiness]

 

 

It’s the holiday season and that means one inevitable, inescapable truth: You will be subject to hearing bad Christmas songs.

Oh, you can fight it.

You can wear earmuffs made of greenery or stuff your ears with candy canes, but to no avail. You’re going to hear a terrible Christmas song, get it stuck in your head, and go mad with holiday insanity.

If you have a favorite Christmas song that will crush your soul to hear someone say anything bad about it, I suggest you stop reading.  I am not critiquing any Christmas songs in a mean spirited way, simply spreading some holiday J opinions. But like they always say: if you can’t take the heat, keep your chestnuts from roasting on an open fire.

With that warning, here it goes…

The Worst Christmas Songs

Honorable Mention:

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by any heartless person

I don’t know about you but I always celebrate the Christmas season by singing about the death of a family member.  People who enjoy this song probably enjoy crushing children’s ginger bread houses, unplugging Christmas lights, and and pouring perfectly good hot cocoa down the drain.  Bah humbug.

5) Songs that sexualize Santa.

This one is a twofer.

First, “Santa Baby”

Now I know this is a holiday classic, but do we really need to glorify Santa as the ultimate ‘sugar daddy’? On multiple occasions in the song the lady mentions having refrained from dirty deeds she could have done. For that she thinks she is entitled to her entire Christmas list?

Let’s take a second on that list. Maybe I grew up humble but that seems like an unearthly long list of major items. You have a strategy as a kid with your list, you have one major thing on it and the rest are normal to small items. You don’t come out candy canes blazing with 4-5 items in the six figures. This girl is spoiled, and to be honest a bit of a floozy, I hope Santa hurries down her chimney tonight and leaves her a lump of coal.

Second, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by the Jackson 5

This song is about a kid finding his mom cheating on his dad.

I know the point is that Santa Claus is actually the kids dad, but the Jackson 5 don’t know that.

“Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!”

No, small child, there would have been no laugh. Santa would have been murdered and billions of kids would have gone without presents. Stop creeping down the stairs and spying on your parents, that kind of ina-pro-pro-ness is going to get you on the naughty list.

4) “Christmas Shoes” by NewSong

No one needs to cry on Christmas.

3) “I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas” by Gayla Peevey

I don’t know if anyone ever told ole’ Gayla she had one of the most annoying voices ever but I really wish she would have been born in the silent film era.

Unlike some of the songs on this list this song is a fun sing along (mainly so your own singing can drown out Gayla’s).

One major problem, Hippo’s kill more people each year than all other African predators. That’s not a very holly jolly gift.

2) “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney

As good as the Beetles were with writing normal songs, they’re that bad at writing Christmas songs. Don’t get your jingle bells in a wad but this synth keyboard beat and circler repetitive title line has no place in or around Christmas.

You know who isn’t simply having a wonderful Christmas time, Sir Paul?

Anyone who hears this song.

1) “Last Christmas” by Wham! By Taylor Swift

I know Taylor Swift didn’t write this song, but if ever anyone could use the Christmas season to talk about their ex, it would be Taylor Swift.

I blame Wham! for the creation of these lyrics, but T-Swift definitely would have written it herself, it is only fitting she covered it.

“Last Christmas” takes the worst Christmas song prize on this list because it combines just about everything you don’t want in a Christmas Song:

Your Ex.

Drama.

Terrible Choices on your part.

Annoying music and melody.

Repetitive lyrics you already hate.

Now I’m no expert on relationships, but it appears to me that if you “gave someone your heart and the very NEXT DAY they gave it away,” then you have poor judgment. What’s further concerning is it has been an entire year since that happened and you’re one, still dwelling on it and two, giving it to someone else as revenge.
Stop. Go home and think about your life for a while. Never write a Christmas song again.

Christmas is about love, kindness, peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

Not complaining about your love life and terrible romantic choices.

So there you have it, my choices for the 5 Worst Christmas Songs.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.