The Five Worst Christmas Songs

It’s the holiday season and that means one inevitable, inescapable truth: You will be subject to hearing bad Christmas songs.

Oh, you can fight it.

You can wear earmuffs made of greenery or stuff your ears with candy canes, but to no avail. You’re going to hear a terrible Christmas song, get it stuck in your head, and go mad with holiday insanity.

If you have a favorite Christmas song that will crush your soul to hear someone say anything bad about it, I suggest you stop reading.  I am not critiquing any Christmas songs in a mean spirited way, simply spreading some holiday Jordan opinions, but like they always say: if you can’t take the heat, keep your chestnuts from roasting on an open fire.

With that warning, here it goes…

The Worst Christmas Songs

Honorable Mention:

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by any heartless person

I don’t know about you but I always celebrate the Christmas season by singing about the death of a family member.  People who enjoy this song probably enjoy crushing children’s ginger bread houses, Nickleback, and crying babies on airplanes.  Bah humbug.

5) Songs that sexualize Santa.

This one is a twofer.

First, “Santa Baby”

Now I know this is a holiday classic, but do we really need to glorify Santa as the ultimate ‘sugar daddy’? On multiple occasions in the song the lady mentions having refrained from dirty deeds she could have done. For that she thinks she is entitled to her entire Christmas list?

Let’s take a second on that list. Maybe I grew up humble but that seems like an unearthly long list of major items. You have a strategy as a kid with your list, you have one major thing on it and the rest are normal to small items. You don’t come out candy canes blazing with 4-5 items in the six figures. This girl is spoiled, and to be honest a bit of a floozy, I hope Santa hurries down her chimney tonight and leaves her a lump of coal.

Second, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by the Jackson 5

This song is about a kid finding his mom cheating on his dad.

I know the point is that Santa Claus is actually the kids dad, but the Jackson 5 don’t know that.

“Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!”

No, small child, there would have been no laugh. Santa would have been murdered and billions of kids would have gone without presents. Stop creeping down the stairs and spying on your parents, that kind of ina-pro-pro-ness is going to get you on the naughty list.

4) “Christmas Shoes” by NewSong

No one needs to cry on Christmas.

3) “I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas” by Gayla Peevey

I don’t know if anyone ever told ole’ Gayla she had one of the most annoying voices ever but I really wish she would have been born in the silent film era.

Unlike some of the songs on this list this song is a fun sing along (mainly so your own singing can drown out Gayla’s).

One major problem, Hippo’s kill more people each year than all other African predators. That’s not a very holly jolly gift.

2) “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney

As good as the Beetles were with writing normal songs, they’re that bad at writing Christmas songs. Don’t get your jingle bells in a wad but this synth keyboard beat and circler repetitive title line has no place in or around Christmas.

You know who isn’t simply having a wonderful Christmas time, Sir Paul?

Anyone who hears this song.

1) “Last Christmas” by Wham! By Taylor Swift

I know Taylor Swift didn’t write this song, but if ever anyone could use the Christmas season to talk about their ex, it would be Taylor Swift.

I blame Wham! for the creation of these lyrics, but T-Swift definitely would have written it herself, it is only fitting she covered it.

“Last Christmas” takes the worst Christmas song prize on this list because it combines just about everything you don’t want in a Christmas Song:

Your Ex.

Drama.

Terrible Choices on your part.

Annoying music and melody.

Repetitive lyrics you already hate.

Now I’m no expert on relationships, but it appears to me that if you “gave someone your heart and the very NEXT DAY they gave it away,” then you have poor judgment. What’s further concerning is it has been an entire year since that happened and you’re one, still dwelling on it and two, giving it to someone else as revenge.
Stop. Go home and think about your life for a while. Never write a Christmas song again.

Christmas is about love, kindness, peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

Not complaining about your love life and terrible romantic choices.

So there you have it, my choices for the 5 Worst Christmas Songs.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

Holiday Enjoyment Guide

The Holiday Season is in full effect.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are by far my favorite holidays of the year, but lets face it with this time of year a lot of us have the added stress of Holiday shopping and family get togethers coupled with the mundane beginning of winter.  It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s easy to get lulled away with constant planning and hustling to get things done you forget to enjoy the time and season that is upon us.

It’s times like these that I like to add a little bit of my own wisdom to help friends and family reinvigorate their holidays, deal with family, and maybe let some stress out by getting the old juices flowing. These are simple things you can do to make your life, and the life of those around you, more exciting:

-       Use “spy lingo” whenever possible. Inform your Uncle you will pick him up from the airport at “the extraction point”.  Whenever someone asks if anyone’s heard from cousin “Joe” yet, let him or her know you’ve “made contact”.  When you run out of secret agent phrases switch to hand motions. This is especially fun when giving cooking directions or blessing the food. 

-       Wrap all small items in increasingly larger boxes. I call this one the Matryoshka Christmas (think Russian nesting dolls).  It is particularly enjoyable to do with gift cards, but honestly it works on anything if the gift is for a child.  This method also works for children if you’re on a budget. If you get them nothing but just wrap a bunch of boxes inside each other then hopefully they get frustrated and give up before they get to the last box and realize you didn't get them anything.  If they do get to the last box then their gift was really the lesson they’ll learn from this experience, and that’s really more valuable isn’t it?

-       Play QB.  No better way to let some stress out than to take command of the offense. When Grandma asks you to pass the ham. Pass. The. Ham. Read the coverage, take what the defense gives you, and then let that cured pork fly and hit Grandma for a 40 yard touchdown. Bonus points if she catches it. Extra bonus points if she spikes it.

-       Go Black Friday shopping. There are two options here: 1) If you are stressed and need to blow a couple gaskets there is no better place than Black Friday as violence is socially acceptable here. You don’t really have to buy anything, when the doors open just start pushing, punching, and trampling anyone in sight.  Bonus points if your Fight Club session ends up on the local news. Extra bonus points if it ends up on the national news. Option 2) Wear an Umpire or Referee costume and award items and disciplinary fouls to the shoppers around you. Two people fighting over a TV? Blow your whistle and award possession. Be prepared to throw your penalty flag often, might be smart to pack a few backups, anything you deem a foul goes and make sure to add the proper disciplinary action. Incessant nagging by the children: 5 present penalty. Cutting of the line: Cutting off of both feet.  Wearing white after Labor Day: Loss of right to wear pants.

   These are just a few examples but feel free to dream up your own ways to excite joy in those around you this year.  Remember what the Holidays are about, buy a meal for someone who needs one, give more than you get, and enjoy the time you have with those around you.