With all the fuss of bathrooms and genders lately I feel there has never been a better time to really help those that want to feel and act more manly.
It isn’t enough to just be a man now, you really have to assert your manliness onto others.
Now, you may think: “Oh I’m manly.”
But let’s face it, you could use some work.
You may be “Manly”, but you can always be: Manly-er
Here’s a few tips and tricks to maintain your manliness while in public and in private.
(Nothing says “unmanly” like you catching yourself alone in manhood compromising position)
1) Get rid of the man card.
Really, if you’re still using the man card phrase you’re basically a twinkling ballerina in a tutu. Take your little laminated “man card” and go throw it in a dumpster along with your hopes of ever being a man.
Men don’t have cards to prove their manliness they build a Man Plaque out of birch or cherry wood and hang it on their wall because it’s a trophy.
2) Stop taking “Selfies”
Have you ever seen someone taking a selfie and thought: I bet that’s the person I should talk to about grilling meat, building a cabin, and tying fishing lures.
3) Use your hands.
That’s pretty general but it applies extremely generally.
If you’re afraid to get those grappling bear claws dirty then hand over that Man Plaque you probably didn’t build.
Your hands shouldn’t be smooth and soft, they should feel like an elephants elbow.
Can’t find an oven mitt? Why do you even own one?
You don’t need a shovel to dig postholes.
Utensils for your food? Get a life you were born with 5 prong forks at the end of each arm.
Why are you using chop sticks to eat sushi? Trick question. Why are you eating sushi? You failed.
4) Always be aware of your manhood.
No not that manhood you childish boy, your manliness manhood.
The one that burns deep in your soul and lets you know: Yes. I am not a girl.
Just like your Man Plaque at home your Manliness Manhood must be protected at all times. You must always do your best not to find yourself in a position to compromise your manliness. For this reason it is typically best to avoid most social activities like movies, restaurants, and get togethers of any type.
If you go see a movie you might walk into the wrong theater where a romantic comedy is playing.
What if you end up at a restaurant and because of the confusing name all they serve is French food?
Best to avoid all possibilities and only spend time in a forest.
Sometimes social events aren’t avoidable and you are then tasked with making sure your every action relays to others and yourself that you are indeed more man than anyone else. For those situations here are a couple tips:
- Wear steel-toed boots and flannel: It’s safe to say this is the most manly of outfits because of its likeness to lumberjacking. No matter the occasion sporting this outfit assures others will question their own manliness when in your proximity.
- If you’re married or dating you might be tasked with holding a purse while in public. This situation should be handled by refusing, but if you wish to keep your significant other the compromise is to hold it for her. This should be done, however, by acting like you’ve never seen a purse used before. The easiest way to accomplish this is not holding it by the straps. Hold the sides of the purse together in one hand somewhere near the base of the straps. If it’s a clutch simply hold it with two fingers (between your thumb and pointer) like it’s a wet sock or a smelly banana peel.
- Don’t use Axe body spray. Unless you’re still twelve and waiting for your voice to deepen and a 4th hair to join the other 3 you call a mustache you should stay away from this product. It’s not that it takes away your manliness, it’s that it proves you never had it.
The smell you give off to others dictates what they think of you almost as much as your clothing. For this reason both aspects need to exude that you are a man. Three layers of flannel shirts can’t save you from smelling of Axe fragrances named “Excite”, “Essence”, or “Phoenix”. Might as well burn your man plaque and don’t expect to rise from those ashes.
Some good alternatives to those manhood poisons are: Diesel fuel, Pine tree sap, and coffee grounds. All three can be applied to your chest hair.
Hopefully you haven’t already ruined your manliness too much that these tips can’t salvage what is left of your manhood. Never give up and always remember that no matter how manly you are you can always be manly-er.
Just because you're a male doesn't mean you're a man.