The Journal of J: Pants

I love pants, but I also hate pants. 

Don’t get me wrong, I highly prefer pants to any other form of leg clothing. Shorts, capris, kilts, they all pale in comparison to the great pant. Even being a born and raised Floridian I still cling to the love of the glorious full-length pant. 

This, however, is probably why I hate pants.

See, I love pants so passionately that it always disappoints me because it's so hard to find the right pair.

My first complaint with pants? I’m a 30x28. Yes, those numbers are in the right order, which is a pant size that doesn’t actually exist but I’m only 5’7” so a 30 inch inseam is typically too long. A 30” inch waist with a 28” inch would be what Goldilocks calls, “juuuuust right.” 

Another issue is the right fit. There’s just too many fit options, and news flash: They're all just codenames for "crappy pant". Bootcut? Skinny? Relaxed? Regular? Just get me some pants that fit my hips and thighs like a comfortable glove but also don’t make me look like a weirdo with abominable leg openings. From brand to brand there is no regulation and we’re all suffering for it!

The final thing is wear. When the stars finally align on the second Sunday after a harvest moon in an odd numbered year and I finally find a pair of pants that fit as good as pie tastes then guess what?

They last about 4 months.

The crotch rips or something unravels or they just lose their perfect fit. I mean, what’s a man gotta do to get a pair of pants that doesn’t bust out the groin when he’s rage dancing?

I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore. 

So there you have it, that’s why I buy my pairs of pants in pairs now.