I know what your thinking: Why would you cover up such a great butt chin with a beard?
Well, I figured since I’d never gone more than a week or two without shaving that I might as well see what all the muttonchops were about.
Beards have been all the rage lately. You see them everywhere. Trimmed, bushy, wild, long, oily, red, you can’t skip a vinyl record past a honky tonk bar in Nashville without seeing a beard or three. There’s even beards on women now, it’s in the movies so it must be true.
So I figured what the whiskers, I’ll give it a grow.
Now let me start by addressing the obvious: yes I looked like a ruggedly manly version of the Jordan we all know & love.
But! I unfortunately I came to realize that the beard is false advertisement. In no way shape or form did growing or having a beard make me more manly (I should know, I also wrote this).
That’s right, I was as shocked as you are, but at some point we all have to decide what hill we’re willing to fight and die on and for me, it’s this one.
Beards are not manly.
While I’ve always held this opinion in some regard, as a man who has owned a beard I now have the authority to say so (Just like those people who have kids who can now instantly tell others they don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t have kids!).
Now I don’t have anything against beards or bearded people, but saying that they’re manlier because of their beard ignores several key facts.
Fact 1: The ability to grow a beard, especially one that is full, is determined by genetics. Bruce Lee couldn’t grow a beard, RIP to anyone who ever told him he wasn’t manly, the man could do pushups on a finger.
Fact 2: Growing a beard is literally just NOT doing something. That’s right, if you’ve never grown a beard yourself you might not realize it, but beards are grown by not shaving. So saying a beard is manlier means you think not sliding a sharp knife across your face is manlier than cheating death through hygiene.
Fact 3: Beards cover butt chins. If you’re one of the lucky people on this planet to own a cleft chin, the manliest form of a chin, then having a beard actually impedes the viewing and intimidation caused by such a powerful piece of jaw structure. If you disagree, ask Superman.
Fact 4: James Bond doesn’t have a beard. Really this was the only evidence that needed to be stated but I felt it was okay to give the full story. “Man”tini, shaven not stubbled.
So there you have it, my definitive guide to beards.